Tour life: A self-sabotaging terror

The thought of being famous enough to go on tour has always terrified me.

So it makes sense that I would sit on my talent instead of aggressively pursuing a musical career and the exposure that comes along with attempting to be able to pay one's bills solely by the performance of music.

It terrified me because I think I liked the idea of being adored by fans, too much. When I thought of thousands of people roaring my name, a part of me swooned, and immediately afterwards, a part of me reared up like a frightened horse, ready to run as far away as breath and strength could take me.

The idea of 'too much' has been a burden in my life. I was brought up to believe that one can have too much money, and from watching television it seemed clear that one could have too many friends, too much fame. Too much because you couldn't keep track, yet being human, you were vulnerable to the desire for more.

I didn't want to crash and burn. I would rather not even start a journey that had to end in a terrible speeding accident. And what terrified me was not the possibility of fame, but my own inability to trust that I would be able to stay true to my values in the midst of it. How would I treat people I had known all my life? My family? My die-hard friends? Once I had started flying around the world and talking to fans in several languages, maybe getting the attention of artists I had grown up admiring through my television and radio?

I was terrified. Shitlessly so. And looking back, I made sure my little ball of fame for being a good singer did not snowball into fame for being a great one. Although I used to justify and rationalise saying: No, I don't want to be famous. Being on tour probably sucks; you are always in the bus, not getting enough sleep, getting dragged into eating late at night, no time to exercise, ugh! No wonder stars start using drugs and doing crap with their lives. Not me! Now that I am 36 instead of 21 or 31, enough time has passed for me to believe it when I tell myself: You're too old to get famous like that. Nobody will scout you and snap you up because you have no green card or UK residency entitling you to participate in American Idol, Britain's got talent or any such show. You can relax, fame will never haunt you the way it has Brad Pitt, Kristen Stewart, Aishwarya Rai, Fela Kuti, Selena (the one Jennifer Lopez played) and others. See if you can salvage whatever is left of your youthful appeal to become an international niche artist.

These days though, I am doing a lot of introspection. Especially in the wake of Brene Brown's busting on the scene. Vulnerability, she says, is strength. We are meant to connect with one another; it is why we are here. I realise so far, that I've felt my flaws very keenly for a long time and have done hard work attempting to hide or compensate for them...developing 'grandiose narcissist' personality traits. Otherwise it would have never been about fearing fame, but about freely fulfilling destiny.

For now, I think I stand between two roads and I'm about to take the one that makes all the positive difference. The honest one. The vulnerable one. The one that connects me to those who will help me go to my destiny.